2023 - Pregnant and baby girl
This year 2023 passed so fast, even faster than previous years as i was so busy with one thing- Welcoming my little baby girl!👶 My whole year is filled with her, from the time i realised im pregnant till giving birth and surviving the first few weeks with newborn. It was tough and i was so wrecked in the first few weeks but luckily i survived with BB's help and others.
We had an induction as baby was reaching week 40, and she came out one day before that. Giving birth was actually easier than the first few weeks after birth, there was no pain and my epidural ended just nice so that i can feel a bit of her moving out from me, like pushing poop out haha. However it was still traumatic as i just lie there not knowing what would happened next and doc just came and put things in my V and then suddenly say i am ready to push within 5 hours of labour. There was no pain until that first night where i feel very sore feeling near my tailbone. I thought its the usual pain where tailbone was impacted. However, it was more towards my right butt and it so pain, deep within the nerves, that make me cry as i cant do anything to lessen it. No position or even lying down can lessen the pain, you can imagine the horror of walking and trying to poop. Eventually doc say its due to episiotomy at my right butt- the tear was so long it reached there. There was nothing I can do except to wait for healing and eat pain killers. Up till the 3rd week then i start to feel the pain has lessen and slowly recovered. I can still remember the night in hospital where i need to go toilet and need the help of BB to hold me while i take baby steps and crying cause of the pain. Thank god we booked A ward and he can stay overnight to help take care of me. Looking back, it was the last 2 nights where we can have full 8 hours sleep haha
To be honest, i feel like i did not have a good confinement period. We did not engage confinement nanny as there was no spare room, and only BB's mum can help which is mainly to take care of baby in the day. At night i have to wake up to pump, another whole set of agony, and feed baby or to clean her- there was not much chance for me to lie down and rest. Hence there was no one to take care of me except BB which is really quite sad. Lack of sleep coupled with pain down there and a body that was in need of recovery, makes me have baby blues. Never have i cried so much in my life with such intensity. I felt like my whole world has changed, the sky had crashed down and i cant even do basic stuff like walking that i feel so depressed. I also missed my home and family as i stayed at in-laws house from 2nd trimester, i missed my freedom and simple life and full 8 hours sleep before pregnancy. I even wished to turn my life back to pre-pregnancy times, but now i wont trade my baby for any other things-maybe for an full 8 hours sleep or travelling haha.
Also giving birth means i have to relearn everything- pee, poop, walk, even till today my body is so sore and pain from carrying baby. I need to relearn exercise and to build more muscle strength. When i went to TCM massage, the masseuse said my left butt was bigger than right and my hip is shifted to right. Looks like i still have alot more recovery to do.
But with all these woes, my heart has never been so filled with love for my little one. Motherhood is challenging and harsh, but it also opens up a whole new world that's more exciting and fun. I realised i will do anything and everything so that my baby is safe and healthy💗
My resolutions for next year 2024 - Focusing on myself
After this few months of postpartum period, i realized the importance of a healthy body with strong muscles and that adequate rest is paramount to one's sanity. Relaxation and exercise is also very important so i wont hesitate to spend more money on myself for exercise and relaxation and massage. & To take walks when i need to clear my mind and to breathe in deeply and more slowly.
I also realised the need to stand up for my opinions and views with no guilt, and to fight for them even if it means going against BB or his family opinions. Trust my decision and own it! Last time i felt incompetent and indecisive and let their opinions changed my decision. But now im changed and wont hesitate to say No. E.g. like when i want to bring baby back home to meet my family, BB and family was saying she was too small, but i knew that its safe to bring her to my house as we wont be going out too. & my parents can only see her grandaughter once after so long. Surely if its the opposite way round, BB would have also want to bring baby back regularly for them to meet her.
I also should learn to voice out my frustrations more, and if there are things that im not happy about i should talk and discussed instead of keeping quiet. & i wont hesitate to fight when i have to protect my baby.
This Christmas we cant go out to see lights as baby cant go crowded places and Covid came back. Its a bummer as i always wanted to bring her out, but we managed to go to a cafe once! Big achievement ;) Hopefully we can go out more and travel soon!
Lastly, i hope everyone i loved will be safe, healthy and happy and warm with lots of joy and love, and to march into 2024 with positive hope and dreams! Finally i have a special little one to celebrate christmas and new year. Grow well my Aurelia, mummy baba will protect and teach you to survive this world.
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This year my family is complete 👪Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
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